….because beauty is having hair that makes us want to take a pair of hedge shears and chop off that fucking great big bit that’s too long on the left-hand side.
Style on the other hand is wearing a waistcoat made from the pubic muff clippings of Mimi’s ladyshave, tied together with a doggy poo bag.
Cristiano Ronaldo has expressed an interest to shove his extra greasy bronzer stick (aka his peen) inside Cheryl Cole’s no no – well, he wants to take her for a “hot chocolate”. Ruhully?! Isn’t that just a euphemism for wanting to have “sexy time” with her?
It may be impossible to stop your eyeballs rolling at this point, but try anyway.
Cristiano told New magazine “It’s hard to think of a suitable match for the hottest man in the world. I’d like to take Cheryl for a hot chocolate.” Er, let’s just stop RIGHT THERE. “Hottest man in the world”? Can someone please explain the word “ridiculous” to us? Unless it’s just us that doesn’t like waking up next to the complexion of a burnt Walls sausage?
Cristiano also gifted us the knowledge of what he dislikes in a girlfriend (just in case you ever wanted to bump genitals with his burrito and borrow his initialled tweezers in the morning): “Girls who do glamour. Girls who get off their face on alcohol. Girls who are shallow. Girls who dress with their boobs on show all the time and try to be hot.”
Riiiight. So basically every woman in the world then? Anyway, we think the lady doth protest too much – we all know he glosses up his peen so it matches the purdiness of his ass cracks, and his pubic landing strip is as pristine plucked as his brows. BARKING UP AND WRONG TREE SPRING TO MIND.
Besides, Cheryl and Cristiano trying to translate each other would be like two dumb German Shepherds (one covered in grease, the other wearing a jaggy wig and heels) barking shit at one another in the middle of their sniffing butt orgy. Way Aye but Não (that’s Portugese for NO, innit).
Dino Georgiou – Showbiz-i Contributor
Follow Dino @dinogeo
SkyLiving has released a p-shopped attempt at visualising what Cheryl Cole‘s new blonde bob will look like. See below!!
Nobody can afford the price the pics are being touted around for, not even The Daily Mail, WHA?!!!! But rest assured, as soon as we can get a pic, WE WILL!
The Geordie singer has been in hiding since she was dropped from the US X Factor show last month, but was papped outside the American Embassy in London rocking her new ‘do’ which has sent Twatter into meltdown.
So for now, let’s just look at her new Madame Tussaud‘s waxwork (top), tweaked in honour of her 28th birthday tomorrow. Erm, we’re thinking the hair might be so last season!
We don’t care that we can’t pronounce your surname and we also don’t care that you staked your claim to fame in a band made up of two twats that looked like East 17 rejects (but with even less brain power).
You might look cosy in the all-new X Factor UK judges line-up, but don’t get too cosy in your jumpsuit Tulisa love, because the minute Chezza Cole snaps her fingers and decides she’s eaten enough Gregg‘s sausage rolls (good for depression, obv), shoves her hoofs in her Loubouts and pulls that squinty smile……your P45 will be sellotaped to your dressing room door quicker than you can say Dappy’s a knob!!
Oh, and remember the film “Pretty In Pink”, please note Tulisa’s biggest fan in pic above, we’re now re-naming it “Pretty Fucking Ugly In Pink”.
No wonder Lynda Carter was found shuffling along the highway and mumbling to herself about how her life no longer has meaning since Cheryl Cole came along thinking she can steal her big hair crown. The Geordie Bouffant way.
Even though Lynda (aka, Wonder Woman) actually had more glamour in the tip of her NoNo than Cheryl has in her entire body, it’s impossible to look at this picture (below) of the singer in the U.S. promoting the X Factor – and not think the only thing missing is a vaseline lens and some pink curlers. 70s throwback bish.
So an official statement from Simon Cowell has confirmed what we already knew – that Cheryl Cole will be back to stroke his furry moobs on the U.S version of the show.
Rich pussycat Cowell said: “I’m thrilled for Cheryl. She is massively excited about this show, and has been fantastic to work with. She is also a complete brat! Most importantly, this girl can spot talent.”
Erm….what, like Cher Lloyd?! Pfft with a chav on top.
Cole said: “I’m so excited to be taking part in the American version of the X Factor. I absolutely love it here in the U.K., and with the talent they have out in America, I’m sure we’re going to find someone very special. I can’t wait to get started.
“I just can’t decide whether I am more excited to find and nurture the talent or for the unbelievable amount of amusement and entertainment I will have watching Simon doing everything and anything he can to beat me. He’s tried to beat me for three years in the U.K., and hasn’t even come close. His ego must be so bruised. America is gonna love this.”
Fox Exec, Mike Darnell said: “Cheryl Cole has the whole the X Factor package: She’s an incredibly talented artist and performer, as well as a style icon, and she has that special charisma that draws in fans around the world.
“Cheryl’s charm and chemistry with Simon have been a key part of the overwhelming success of ‘The X Factor’ in the U.K., and we can’t wait to welcome her to the U.S. on our air.”
Also joining Cheryl and Simon on that TV mess will be L.A. Reid, but there’s no word as yet if there will be a third coming of Paula Abdul as a judge on the panel. Pharmaceutical stocks depend on this, so Simon better do the right thing. And if Cheryl REALLY wants to WOW U.S audiences, she should perform her poptastic hit ‘Fight For This Love’…just like this…..
Move over pet, Chezza Cole that is, as the singer has been bumped off the top of an annual poll to find the top 100 female fitties in the world by FHM magazine, which Cole has won for the past two years.
Victoria’s Secret model and Transformers actress, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, is now the magazine’s woman du jour. She said of her win: ”I’m so flattered to be FHM’s Sexiest Woman in the World. This is a really exciting year for me.”
Newlywed Kate Middleton also shot up in the popularity polls, making it into the top 100 for the first time since 2007. At no 39 on the list, she was the only royal represented.
Katy Perry is ranked second, while Rihanna takes third-place and Chezza Cole now in 12th *ouch*.
New entries included Doctor Who actress Karen Gillan – who plays assistant Amy Pond – in at 42, while Time Lord Matt Smith‘s gf and model Daisy Lowe is in at 29.
Falling off the list completely are Jennifer Aniston, Lily Allen, Charlotte Church and Sienna Miller.
FHM’s Stuart Hood said: ”Queen Cheryl is dead and succeeding her on the throne is a British sensation who is no stranger to stepping into the high heels of the world’s most attractive women.
”In the last 12 months, actress and model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has replaced Kelly Brook in Jason Statham‘s heart and replaced Megan Fox in Transformers, and now she’s replaced Wor Chezza as the planet’s most lusted after female.”
The full list of the 100 sexiest women in the world will be available to see in a special supplement with the June edition of FHM on sale now. But here’s the Top 10 below:
1. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
2. Katy Perry
3. Rihanna
4. Megan Fox
5. Olivia Wilde
6. Brooklyn Decker
7. Marisa Miller
8. Kelly Brook
9. Nicole Scherzinger
10. Irina Shayk
The artwork for Chezza Cole’s new album Messy Little Raindrops has been released today, featuring the XFactor judge rocking a super, sexy look with Louboutin spike-heel leopard-print boots. Grrr!
Talking about the LP’s release on November 1, Cole said:
“I want it to be amazing, you know?
“I want people to be like, ‘Wow, I really, really enjoy this album’, so I’m not going to put anything out until I feel like that.”
And of course, there’s a track which EVERYONE thinks is dedicated to ex-hubby and cheating bastard, Ashley – check out the lyrics below and make up your own mind!
I cried when I heard you were cheatin’
I cried when I said I was leavin’
I cut off my hair and painted my toes
I sold all the diamonds and burnt all your clothes
I cried when I slashed all your tyres
I cried when your suit hit the fire
