Last year Helen Mirren kicked the liquid cement face of Megan Fox to the curb when she beat the actress to scoop Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive competition. And now Helen baby is back, this time wearing nothing but a Union Jack flag for a shoot with the magazine. Hur and Rah!

Since we usually only see 20-somethings with their ass cheeks glued to their chest around here, it’s nice to finally kind-of-peek at some organic and well-seasoned chichis!! Tits that have seen some life! Tits who can write their own memoirs! Anyways, enough waffle. Here, gawp at just how bloody great Helen looks. Take that the rest of you image and age obsessed freaks ironing out your frowns.

And this time the lucky recipient of Jessica Simpleton‘s chicken fat stained lips is an orange $15,000 Hermes Birkin bag. That’s one 31st b’day that bag will never forget.

Gifted to the finger lickin’ good whore by fiance Eric Johnson, Simpleton posted a pic of her getting up n close with the puckered leather pressie on Twitter. While Eric sweated into the shagpile trying to find a place to hide the receipt with her credit card details on it (the one with 1% cashback to charity and 10% to Dunkin Donuts).

And is that ‘my feet were amputated’ look teamed with a tramp’s jumper really the shit that makes dicks go boom?!

When Shia LaBeouf isn’t dragging on a fag somewhere or gargling out nuggets of shit, he can be found embracing his assholeness by having fisticuffs with the man who makes us wet swoon in all the parts that matter – Tom Hardy.

Yes, apparently the actors had friction burns while on the set of movie “The Wettest Country in the World”, with LaBeouf using his trademark douchebag stare to take Hardy down, which obviously worked, because he told (aka lied to) Details mag:

“[He] never did that roughhouse stuff with me again”.

Uh huh. LaDouche also dropped some gossip bombs about how Hardy and other co-star Jason Clarke had a touch of the Jeremy Clarkson‘s about them, boasting about who’s sports car (dick) was bigger:

“They’re talking about Ferraris and s**t, like it’s a cool car. If Clarke pulled up in a Ferrari right now, my idea wouldn’t be, ‘What a cool f**king guy!’ It would be, ‘Look at this clown.’ I think the fact that I despise that stuff keeps me safe. I hang on to my dirt. I like my dirt.”

If only LaBeef had the power of inception. He could’ve concentrated hard enough to make Hardy incept his genitals with his lips which we do every day while staring at a picture of him.

And just because we can….come on Gentlegays and ladies who like to flick your nips to man-on-man action, let’s lube up our engines…it’s TOM DE LA POUT!! GET IT BITCH!!

We already know that Meryl Streep can do no wrong and that she had possibly the best evil side-eye EVER on the big screen in The Devil Wears Prada. So let’s add another film success to her list of everythingmeryltouchesturnstogold by showing you the trailer for the new Margaret Thatcher biopic in which she stars as The Iron Lady.

The film was written by Abi Morgan and also features Jim Broadbent (as half-asleep husband Denis), Anthony Head, Roger Allam and Richard E Grant.

Just a warning, you may want to rub SPF: 2,789,999 over your eyeballs before looking at this pic of Valentino with Natalia Vodianova, because staring at the walking bronzer stick will give you melanoma in the retinas. And even Natalia’s dress isn’t as red as the couture designer’s face, which has pores that just naturally secrete precious metals on their own.

The pair were snapped at the Fairy Love Ball, held last night during Paris Fashion Week – and as the faux snow scene backdrops provided photo opportunities for guests, Valentino gifted his pics with an extra special dusting of Wotsits.

Face meet desk. Again. Can you tell how much we hate this cover?

In an attempt to be “down with the kids”, Vanity Fair decided to put Bieber on their February 2011 cover. But many of you no likee seeing the toddler lesbian in a tie covered in lipstick kisses. Apart from Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, who sent Brad out to buy as many copies as possible so she could use the cover as wallpaper.

Angry subscribers decided the magazine had gone too far and had a moan, and coupled with a decline in sales for the issue, it’s now been officially declared the worst-selling cover in 12 years and, according to WWD.com, “one of the top three worst sellers for the magazine since Graydon Carter took over as editor in chief in 1992.” Ouch and wetoldyouso. The only two covers that were worse than Bieber’s bangs were Will Smith in July 1999 and Harrison Ford July 1993.

And there we were thinking the cover would be slobbered on more than Hugh Hefner‘s fiancee.

Here we go again. First Les Beaver. Then Greyson Chance and his fucking piano. Then Rebecca Black who should’ve received a restraining order from Friday’s. Now we have another yank fed to us by the auto-tune gods who goes by the name of Lexi St. George.

This song feels like something you might hear if you walked into your younger sister’s room and caught her singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favourite stuffed toys.

Selena Gomez better hold her weave, because Lexi is coming to snatch it right off!

You decide. But this is where we’ll just type, “Ummmm….SI!”

Ohhhhhh, beat us with a broom, would you look at that, she’s pointing at a star with her name on it!! But why isn’t she wearing plastic vagina mitts to celebrate, aka CROCS?!

Christina Hendricks – the ginge goddess with 8th wonder of the world magnificent chichi’s, can’t fit into a swimsuit. FACT.

The actress told Lucky magazine’s August issue that beachwear just doesn’t have room for her titty appetisers, mains and desserts: “It’s really hard to find a bathing suit if you have breasts. You either get smooshed down or there’s no support… I have to be careful about my proportions and keep it simple. What works for me is structure and something that shows my waist.”

Quite.

But we’re disappointed that this cover doesn’t feature Christina’s wondrous titty globes looking like two bald toddlers headbutting each other as usual. We like slobbering all over her boobs o’ plenty like Katie Price at her Twatter log-in page, it’s the highlight of our day! Those chichis speak to us. They speak to everyone. They will save the world. Even the cuntiest baby girl wouldn’t kick Christina out of her crib.

Her chichis are like the ethereal pathway to heaven, and if you dry humped them long enough, you’d see God winking back at you. GIVE US CHRISTINA’S TITS, WE WANT HER TITS!!