Let’s all pray for the dead-horse being flogged that is Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher’s marriage. It’s over basically, innit? It has to be, after the latest revelations that Kutcher’s wandering peen wandered into the vagina of Sara Lean, a 28-year-old homewrecker and star-facker who, according to Radar Online, has already hired a top Hollywood lawyer and gone into hiding; demanding $250,000 to keep her silence.
America’s Star Magazine is clutching at their rosary beads as we type, hoping they don’t have to run their already prepared headline: “Ashton and Demi have separated and the marriage is over”. Oh, that would be the headline they’ve already run then. Er, someone find us some rosary beads to clutch, while we say a prayer to Richard & Judy that Demi & Ashton haven’t separated and can weather this new storm, and have a marriage as strong as the Brit presenter couple. Especially when you just know Judy stumbles around the house boozed-up to her eyelids most nights screaming, “I fucked Fred on his weather map, and he was BETTER THAN YOU, SO DEAL WITH IT YOU LANKY SMUG-FACED TWAT AND GET ME MORE VODKA!”. Poor Richard.
You’ll recall another fameHo called Brittney Jones, the gold-digging bish who stoked the fling-fire with previous rumours that Kutcher sexed her up on his sofa – and she milked that story for all its worth. The actor denied fiddling with her cooch and even threatened to sue over it (he never did though, hmm). We love the fact Brittney was also SO cheap she even listed a jumper Ashton gave her on eBay. That’s shameless right there for you.
The latest alleged encounter of Kutcher’s wandering peen happened on the 12th floor of the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego, California, in the early hours of Saturday – which also happened to be his and Demi’s sixth wedding anniversary.
The actor and homewrecker Leal had apparently been partying at a club in the city, with one sleb rubber-necker telling gossip cops: “Ashton didn’t look like someone who was celebrating a wedding anniversary.” U.S. website thedirty.com is also claiming that, “Kutcher told Sara Leal that him [sic] and Demi Moore are separated and the public doesn’t know yet.” Kutcher’s bodyguard is also alleged to have taken Leal’s mobile phone before she entered the hotel room.
So while Kutcher and a new beard became friendly, elsewhere his wife was tweeting some deep things you say after too much gin, while singing along (aka moaning) to “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore” by Vadge on repeat. Demi wrote: “When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”
Eh?
A source close to the pair, who has now made enough money to cover the rent this month thanks to farting out private information to the press, claims: “The relationship ended because of Ashton’s serial cheating. It’s a painful time for Demi.”
We ALL should have known things weren’t quite so OMGamazing, as the pair haven’t really been photographed next to each other in a little while and that’s a red flag right there. Demi obviously wasn’t able to force herself to rub her body of botox and desperation on Ashton’s hot slut stick. This is BAD!! Demi’s ALWAYS been able to put on a brave face for the sake of the paparazzi’s cameras!
Guaranteed Twatter followers going up, up UP right now though for these two! How nice that we can all share this difficult time with them. Hands up who wants to see Bruce Willis bust Ashton’s chops by slapping his enormous peen against them? Oh, and if you start seeing Demi walking around with her hands over her face in public, it’s because she’s rocking the same swollen eyes that Jen Aniston had when Brad said he was leaving her for a woman who forgot how to swallow food (St. Ange of Pout). Demi’s also covering hers because she’s afraid the tear drops of pain might melt her face. Her plastic surgeon is still on holiday hours, so she can’t be too careful.
