Clear your throat, because today’s angel delight is brought to you by the hot mess herself Janice Dickinson and her melting Parmesan cheese stick body in a bandeau bikini.

OK, you can open your eyes now. And here’s some Optrex to help clear that blurriness.

It’s not just the fact that Janice has a pair of Tupperware bowls for tits, but also that one of her legs has a badly made pork dumpling for a knee and the other has vein erections like Iggy Pop‘s belly, which always reminds me of a face sliding into a deep frown, followed by two further grimaces.

But I digress, this is a picture made for throwing evil side-eyes and wishing that the forever demure Janice would stop terrorising us with her bare flesh-come-leather. In fact if you just glanced quickly at this picture, it could easily be Stephen Tyler in a two-piece (turn her round and she has the same ass bones too). And neither of them should lay out in the sun for too long. *Warning: Melting Could Occur*

If I was granted one wish for the day it would be that I never had to witness Janice on the beach again (all sealife nods in agreement) and if she MUST go out in public in a bathing suit, that she make it a full burkini style bodysuit a la Nigella Lawson, and heck, why not just throw in the face mask too. Nobody wants to see her sans fards, it’s like looking at a malnourished iguana that mated with a duck.

Kate Lawson – Fashion Journalist & Fashion Editor Showbiz-i

Follow Kate @katelawson_