No more woe is Cheryl Cole. So what if Simon‘s moobs kicked her to the curb from the US X Factor. So what if Nicole Scherzwhatever has her lips stuck in Simon’s peen zipper when she mumbled “yessh simon me will steal Chewyl’s job”. And so darn what if Paula Abdul is rocking back and forth in a corner somewhere because she finally learnt to understand her new best friend’s Geordie accent without the help of medication and rum.

CHEZZA HAS NEW HAIR!! SO GET TO FUCK THE LOT OF ‘EM!!

Here’s the singer in the pics we all creamed ourselves over yesterday. And, er, well it’s not a blonde bob really is it. More a mangled, jaggy mound of follicles atop her noggin that was coloured by infants in their afternoon painting and dyeing class.

The singer is holding a “lavish” 28th birthday party at an undisclosed secret venue in London tomorrow night, so expect more shots of her looking like Nicola Roberts now (BARF) and maybe some of Ashley sneaking in the back door, because apparently she’s admitted he’s the love of her life. When we heard that, it was similar to what accidentally chewing on aluminum foil must feel like.