Were they boring? Or is it really a question of ‘how boring were they on a scale of 1-2?’ Let’s put it this way: The Oscars weren’t boring if you were waiting for an award, but, overall, the hosting duo of Anne Hathaway and James Franco – who tweeted throughout – was about as funny as a crotch, I mean, crutch. But don’t blame them: blame the often poisoned chalice that is hosting the Oscars. Only the best can do it – and sometimes even they can’t: Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen Degeneres, David Letterman, Chris Rock and Jon Stewart not to forget Hugh Jackman. In a tradition that extends beyond Chevy Chase in ’88, this ain’t no game for sissies. Hosting the Oscars takes tough comedic nerve, honed through the intense shittiness, bitterness and paranoia of the comedy world. The best hosts? They’ve got the thousand yard stare when they’re not ‘on’.

So, for puppies and bunnies like Hathaway and Franco there was no cover or camouflage to protect them from the flack. Sure, the opening sketch was promising but it foreshadowed the problem. Hathaway and Franco were going into former Oscar presenter Alec Baldwin‘s dreams to get hosting tips. GAH. They were already failing.

(Okay, the stinkeye remark was funny. And junk bag is funny.)

However, despite the multiple costume changes of Hathaway and the cross-dressing coolness of Franco, the duo didn’t gel. It was as if the audience was watching a blind date going wrong in overtime.

It’s not that the folks weren’t cute, young and appealing; it’s that they aren’t really cut out for this kind of rock ‘em, sock’em schpiel that takes a strong stomach, strong nerves and even stronger writing. As if the Oscar showrunners understood that the latter part of the show would be, erm, a little on the dry side, they brought in the calvary: not only Billy Crystal who received a standing ovation with the quip “…now where was I?”, referring to his last Oscar hosting gig. The deceased Bob Hope, arguably the best host of all time, having hosted it 18 times, was brought out in a holographic mode. This show of the old days when things were funny was freaky, weird, eerie, sad and made one pine for the fjords.

Just goes to show – you can be young, talented and beautiful, but that don’t make youse a star.