In a clear move away from the X Factor school of styling (some call it styling, others call it afterbirth), Christian Bale has turned up on the cover of Esquire’s December issue (what, no Santa hat? No reindeer antlers? No Speedos?) in just what his mother dressed him in. And a whole bunch of hair.

‘Christian Bale reluctantly talks with us to promote his (prediction alert!) Oscar-Winning,’ says the rather long coverline, which, call us pedantic, is a sentence that doesn’t finish. Maybe the granddad jeans are in the way.

‘I have a very sissy job,’ says Christian somewhere in the piece (do you really expect us to read all of it? When there’s drinking to be done, you know, everywhere!), before drifting off into some pretentious bollocks. The way actors quite often do. Especially if they’re called Christian Bale. Or Tom Cruise.

Anyway, in a nutshell (not even a chestnut nutshell, Esquire? Roasting on an open fire? It’s the friggin’ December issue!), Christian Bale is on the cover of Esquire’s December issue, obviously afraid of colour, scratching his beard (he must be a serious actor!) and, you know, some other stuff.

Jumper looks kinda cosy, mind. Silver linings…

Stephen Unwin – Puts the sparkles in Showbiz-i